Saving the Earth Through Global Warming

Ask the average person on the street what they believe to be the greatest threat faced by earthlings in the next one hundred years, and by far the most common answer you will get is this: Global Warming. Its no wonder, really...scan through any relevant news medium and you will find reporters discussing the perils of climate change, movies about climate change, activist entertainers talking about it and politicians pontificating about it ad nauseum. In between these spots you will find advertisements in which various corporations brag about the way their latest product…whatever it is…helps to combat said climate changes. Hand in hand with this goes the constant chiding of people in general and Americans specifically as the primary impetus of this changing world condition. It’s almost enough to make one feel guilty about joyriding in that Hummer, or reading by the light of one of Thomas Edison’s fine creations.

“The temperature is climbing at a rate of 0.036 degrees per year!” someone will say. “Polar bears are drowning in the melting ice!” weeps another. A seemingly endless supply of sad stories is paraded through every newscast, every talk show, and written into every scripted drama or sitcom, no matter how otherwise meaningless that show may be.

Everyone says they want to save the planet. No one senses the real threat that stands before us. I have two words for you: Anak Krakatau. The Son of Krakatoa.

If those words ring a bell, then you may actually be smarter than a fifth grader. In 1883, a volcano known as Krakatoa exploded in an eruption so fierce tsunamis engulfed entire islands, nearly 40,000 people in Sumatra and Java were wiped out instantly, 70 pound boulders were hurled at islands some 50 miles away, and sunsets around the world were unusually attractive for the better part of three years. In fact, the entire island from which this volcano sprang was blown to bits without an above-water trace until 1927 when, due to the slowly seeping magma still active on the ocean floor, the Son of Krakatoa began to slowly peek its newly-formed head above the surface of the water. Today, this youthful new island stands over 2,600 feet high and covers approximately five square miles of Indian Ocean real estate.

But this is ancient history, you say. What does that have to do with our current planetary emergency? It turns out that this is not the first bit of misbehavior to occur in this particular corner of the world. Significant scientific evidence exists to suggest that a previous eruption occurred, big enough to dwarf the eruption of 1883, and that another so-called “super eruption” could occur at any time. An eruption of this magnitude, if scientists are correct, could hurl enough rock, ash and fine Sumatran coffee beans into the atmosphere to cause a planet-wide reduction in temperature of 10-15 degrees due to the reduced solar energy reaching the Earth’s surface. While this sounds dandy to those of us wallowing in the prospects of yet another South Florida summer, some of the potential side effects include the complete destruction of all food crops and the eventual extinction of all higher-in-the-food-chain animals due to starvation…and yes, that does include the animals generally referred to as humans. But not polar bears. They’re going to be ecstatic.

Clearly, this is not going to be pleasant. However, since we’ve all had it drilled into us that we are stewards of the good planet Earth, and responsible for continuing in that fine tradition of allowing our grandkids to live on it, there must be something we can do. There must be some small yet well-intentioned steps that all of us can take to help push back against this coming doom, and while even the most ardent fan of the Kyoto Protocol will have trouble finding ways to blame this event on Americans, those of us lucky enough to be citizens of the United States are uniquely positioned to take those first, small steps. Buy a pack of Edison’s Finest! Take the long way home from work in that gas-hogging SUV! Do a little self-sacrificing, and forego the bit of pure automotive joy that is the Toyota Prius, and help save Mother Earth! We can…we must…do more. We need a buffer of at least ten degrees when that thing blows, so our current rate of warming of only 0.036 degrees per year is way too slow. C’mon people of the Earth…its time to kick it up a notch!

Now, for those of you living in Indonesia…I’d consider moving.